On the subject of faith, love, lust and violence...

Confessions of a Virgin Mistress

This blog is...

mARTurbation: art meant to please myself, as well as essays, articles, rants, raves and opinions on pop culture, sexuality, women, power, education, religion, music, films and products. No subject is taboo, no discussion forbidden.

Reading Guide:

Thoughts, Essays, Opinions and Articles have unique names and are stand-alone, even when related to previous entries. The dream chapters however, where I talk about my dreams, are titled “At The Dreams: “Insert Dream Title Here”, this is to differentiate conscious opinions and thoughts, from the subconscious movements that go on when I’m asleep (or somewhere in between). The reason I post my dreams is probably the same reason I post all other entries, to examine myself. I’m my own lab experiment. 

The FUCK out: Guilt, Failure and Letting Go

Monday, January 7, 2008 by Mistress Cavallaro

I’ve lost my way a lot of times. No, wait, let me rephrase that: I’ve almost started out on the wrong path various times, but I never get to finish it or actually do the wrong thing. I only need to take the first step in that direction, and I’m already feeling guilty. The worse thing they could’ve ever instilled in the human mind is guilt. At the same time, guilt is supposed to be what keeps us in control. If people never felt guilty, they would never do wrong, and if everything was right, then we’d all be merciless.

But ok, cool, sounds ok when we’re talking guilt about lying, cheating, fornicating with your best friend’s husband, killing… but I feel guilty only about the thought of getting out of a project midway because the people who work in it just don’t cut it. I feel guilty because it’s almost as if I’m solely responsible for this project happening. I have a huge headache because no matter how many ways I try to get out, I seem to stick it out even when all it does is hurt my family, hurt my pride, hurt my friends and my career. It’s a road that takes me to people I don’t care to be associated with and projects I no longer wish to pursue. It’s my childhood dreams, which, bless their soul, should’ve stayed in childhood. In the meantime, thirty to forty people are honestly busting their asses for me. They’re doing it all for my own life, for my dreams, for my career. And instead of dedicating myself to that one thing I should be doing, I’m spending hours upon hours worrying about a project that I should’ve never raised from the dead.

I know this makes no sense right now without a prior explanation of what I’m involved in and why, but believe me, it’s something I should’ve put to rest a long time ago. I just don’t have the courage to disappear and I don’t have the selfishness required to simply take care of myself and let others take care of themselves. I’m like a mother hen, wanting to place everyone under my wing, but my body has had enough and I’m dying because of it, and I’m fucking up my career and my life and my real projects and my own trust and self-esteem, trying to get this other project off the ground. Why does the mere thought of cutting loose from it make me guilty?

Again, there is nothing there for me. But it feels like I made a commitment to the people I started working on this project with, and like I should stick by it. But it’s killing me it’s really killing me and the worse thing is that it’s doomed to fail. What am I doing? Why can’t I just cut off from it? Why do I keep heading back to it? I feel tied down emotionally and physically, to the point of pain. It literally hurts my heart to write this because I’m so attached and co-dependant with this ridiculously abusive project. Am I a masochist? Self-righteous? Proud? Unable to accept my failure? Can my leaving that project mid-way even be considered failure?

I just want to get the FUCK out. I hate it. I don’t want it. Why can’t I leave it. I want to never be attached to anything again. It’s insane, it’s abusive and it should never be. I hate it that I’ll look bad if I leave. That people will hate me and dislike me, I hate it. And it’s unfair. Because the one who does the job is me. Nobody else helps, and even though I carry the responsibilities and nobody else is willing to shoulder it with me, all that happens is that when things can’t be done I get blamed as if I had to handle it all in the first place. People expect everything from me and I expect too much from myself and the only ones that deserve my delivering these expectations are actually the only team of people that I don’t even dedicate half as much time to.

This downward spiral of who-knows-what has led me down a sickening spiral of self-loathing. I’ve hated myself so much for failing, for not being able to bear it out, for wanting to quit because it’s drowning me, for leaving others who I don’t even care about behind. Letting go of crap I dislike… is hard. I can’t even begin to imagine how I’d be able to let go of things I love.

Well... this very morning I've begun the process, I've started deleting things, cleaning up things, no matter how many reminders I get that these things do exist, I may not need to ignore them, but at least they're slowly starting to dissipate. I hope I can keep this up.

I better. This is my lucky year. It's now or never.

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Flow... To Number One