On the subject of faith, love, lust and violence...

Confessions of a Virgin Mistress

This blog is...

mARTurbation: art meant to please myself, as well as essays, articles, rants, raves and opinions on pop culture, sexuality, women, power, education, religion, music, films and products. No subject is taboo, no discussion forbidden.

Reading Guide:

Thoughts, Essays, Opinions and Articles have unique names and are stand-alone, even when related to previous entries. The dream chapters however, where I talk about my dreams, are titled “At The Dreams: “Insert Dream Title Here”, this is to differentiate conscious opinions and thoughts, from the subconscious movements that go on when I’m asleep (or somewhere in between). The reason I post my dreams is probably the same reason I post all other entries, to examine myself. I’m my own lab experiment. 

Cruel Honesty: The Addict VS. The Victim

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 by Mistress Cavallaro

I originally posted this as a reply to this article.


I hate to be the note of discord... no wait I don't. But I have a completely different question about your article, and hopefully something you'll explore further. Purely for fun.

You see I'm a firm believer in the mirror theory, where things may seem backwards on your end, but on the other person's end they're seing you in the exact same judging light.

In other words, to an addict, wouldn't any person's need to establish themselves as a priority over the addiction (in other words, focus on me not your damn gambling) be considered co-dependant behaviour that needs fixing as well?

The addict has a view that you, the person trying to change them, are just as wrong as you claim they are for being and acting a certain way. (In this case asking to be placed above that which they've expressed to love the most).

I'm in no way stating that being an addict is correct, or that having compulsive behaviour isn't detrimental to a relationship. But as you said so yourself, addicts can be with addicts because they understand and share the bond of the addiction itself.

In a milder sense... you could have an addiction to great movies and an addiction to certain types of music or an addiction to the internet and compulsively log on and check blogs and spend 14 hours a day surfing.

If you are in a relationship with someone and they leave you for lack of your attention or because they feel you addiction to whatever it is that you do is far more important than they are, isn't that also a sign of low self-esteem?

Need me, want me, put me first, put me on top, I'm more important than anything, including your career <--- doesn't that also qualify as another side of the spectrum?

I'm well aware that abusing any addiction brings misfortune, but a question I rarely find analyzed is how the addict or compulsive person views the accuser of bad behaviour.

Let me pretend I'm the sex doll addict. If you're just not as pleasing as the doll, if all you do is yell at me, if no matter how sweet you look in the end you're going to ask me uncomfortable questions about what it is I truly feel about you, or if it turns out the doll just has a tighter, better, more satisfying place for me to relieve myself and yours is, let's face it, not as good, though I still prefer you for company and the occassional making out... is the fact that I have sex with a doll constantly something you'd consider compulsive behaviour? Or do you just find it insulting that I dare even suggest that you don't compare?

Same goes for alcohol, same goes for cigarrettes, same goes for anything. An addiction is better than you, the addict understands that, to the addict, it's not an addiction, it's a priority, what they like and consider most important and you just have to deal with being second-best.

Doesn't this scenario also display the weakness and co-dependancy we've come to develop through the years and masquerade as a "relationship"?

If you love somebody you make sacrifices, but being in love with somebody means being willing to do these sacrifices for someone who is not the ideal partner.

Because the ideal partner compliments you, be you an addict, thief or killer. It's the ultimate expression of selfishness, of taking care of one's needs first. While the other views are based on being selfless and considerate.

I'm still unsure which of these attitudes is actually "healthy". I'm not fond of addicts, but I'm not too fond of martyrdom either. And sacrificing your addiction, when you're an addict, believe me, it's martyrdom. Unless the addict finds you more interesting than his/her addiction, you're just begging for the addict to do exactly what you will later yell at him/her for doing: make you feel worse about yourself (which is even more bad when you already have a low self-esteem).

Maybe in the end, the only reason an addict can't have a succesful relationship is even because they're an addict, but because they spend a large amount of time assuring their partners that they're number one, when they're not. Maybe all you need to date an addict, is one that has the balls to tell you, that you're number 2. And then in that case, if you're ok with that, would it work? would it not work? The addiction isn't lethal, it's not some life or death circumstance or something that will embarrass the hell out of your parents.

What then?

Personally I wouldn't date an addict, because I'm egocentric and it has to be all about me. I love attention and I need it. I'm too self-important to not be number 1 in anyone's life. So I can't date an addict. But I have friends who are quite fine with being number 2 and get their fulfillment elsewhere yet love their addicts deeply, not in spite of their addictions but for their honesty straight out about the addiction, not as a problem but as a compulsive behaviour based on deep satisfaction that they've come to expect which you'll never provide. It's cruel, but it's honest.


Flow... To Number One