Confessions of a Virgin Mistress

Today was a horribly disorganized day. All my expectations came out flat and most of my desires went unfulfilled. I know we're supposed to appreciate the good and not focus on the bad, but I'm spoiled that way. It's independence day in Dominican Republic, they ran the METRO for the very first time, it kind of looks like the METRO in Madrid. That was the highlight of my day. After that I had a fight, and then I went to the Country Club to play but there was barely any play at all (play is very important to me). I had another fight. Then I watched a movie. Came home and felt rather insipid. Then the people I was talking to disappeared. No goodbyes or warnings.

It just sucked overall I guess. I expected more. I always expect more.

On another note, I've discovered most tarot readers are total scammers. I've had several friends come up to me for a simple reading, and they've already went to professionals and they tell me by far the most impressive reading is mine. I don't even do that for a living.

Point blank. Tarot readers are frauds, most of them, not all of them, some people can really do it right. It's scientific, completely scientific, tarot reading has nothing to do with religion, except for attatched religious believes, which are like saying that the 24th of December isn't just another day because it's Christmas. Well it is another day. It's 24 hours long just the same as any other day, has a morning, afternoon and night. Just because we established it as a holiday doesn't mean the day stopped being a day in itself. Same goes for tarot, just cause people gave it or still give it a spiritual connotation, doesn't mean tarot is spiritual at all, or cards, oracles, pendulums, none of that shit is spiritual. It's scientific.

Feel free to ask me why, so I have the pleasure of clarifying your ass. Anyway, I'm damn good at giving readings, no I won't predict shit I know I can't predict because tomorrow you might make a different choice and fuck up my prediction, but I can sure as hell clarify whatever the fuck is going on in your life. And hey, guess what, I do it for free, because I'm rich and I don't need to read tarot to earn a living. In fact, most tarot readers shouldn't charge for their readings, not really no, because readings are healing and healing should be free, same as medicine should be free and education and nourishment. But trust me, there are those with justified salaries, and then there are those that say their salaries are justified and they're just milking it for what it's worth. Then there's terminology, if you're a crystal, indigo, rainbow, friggin ultraviolet child or something. We're people, we're humans, and we're all essentially the same. We bleed, poop, yadda yadda. We also have our specialties. I have many. But don't worry, I'm not wholly blessed with only good attributes, I have tons of flaws too. Being a good oracle is not one of them. I am a damn good oracle.

Outside of that, another note: I feel lonely right now, give me a hug.

The lands of Argheiz and Metrolya. The Pahr and the Ryderell. The ardent affections of Lehr Myra Naram. Hidden prince of Lahdia. Who is apparently based on Chuck.

The combat zone of the ship, where you must hide in the walls as the shoulders enter the area and use mage power and fire power. The tactics to get to the cockpit of the ship in order to stop it from being overrun and possibly slammed into Perhidia, the grand Buque with the coat of arms and the secret weapons the enemy wants destroyed.

The sunken ships, which rise from the water and slam into the moving vehicles and islands. Then hop back into the water and travel there. Under the water they are faster, and silent, unseen, covered by years of dark matter.

The dark matter, which is the only stone capable of restoring those near death. The anima, Lehr Myra’s panthergeist. Slit from across his jaw to his navel. And as we try to save it, we realize Lehr Myra himself must be in great agony over on the battlefield. At first we think someone entered Melisa’s room and attacked the beast. It’s bloody on the foot of her bed and her hand, resting near it underneath the covers is drenched in blood.

Lehr Myra purchases Earth, so that the planet may be spared from the warlords. It’s now in his own dominion and he’s still one of the few Lehr’s that by royal and civil decree holds veto power over the fate of planets in the alliance of Spheres.

The Floating Spheres Alliance. A conceited and arrogant man, he nonetheless falls for an earthian woman. The woman is already smitten by a dead ship captain, but Lehr Myra will fetch her heart once he’s done saving the galaxy.

What?

Above a deep influence by Final Fantasy and Gossip Girl. What does all this mean? Ok, I’m starting to sound like a friend of mine who keeps asking about every little meaning of symbolism as if it all needs to make sense.

Yeah. I’m just being dramatic.

I’ve lost my way a lot of times. No, wait, let me rephrase that: I’ve almost started out on the wrong path various times, but I never get to finish it or actually do the wrong thing. I only need to take the first step in that direction, and I’m already feeling guilty. The worse thing they could’ve ever instilled in the human mind is guilt. At the same time, guilt is supposed to be what keeps us in control. If people never felt guilty, they would never do wrong, and if everything was right, then we’d all be merciless.

But ok, cool, sounds ok when we’re talking guilt about lying, cheating, fornicating with your best friend’s husband, killing… but I feel guilty only about the thought of getting out of a project midway because the people who work in it just don’t cut it. I feel guilty because it’s almost as if I’m solely responsible for this project happening. I have a huge headache because no matter how many ways I try to get out, I seem to stick it out even when all it does is hurt my family, hurt my pride, hurt my friends and my career. It’s a road that takes me to people I don’t care to be associated with and projects I no longer wish to pursue. It’s my childhood dreams, which, bless their soul, should’ve stayed in childhood. In the meantime, thirty to forty people are honestly busting their asses for me. They’re doing it all for my own life, for my dreams, for my career. And instead of dedicating myself to that one thing I should be doing, I’m spending hours upon hours worrying about a project that I should’ve never raised from the dead.

I know this makes no sense right now without a prior explanation of what I’m involved in and why, but believe me, it’s something I should’ve put to rest a long time ago. I just don’t have the courage to disappear and I don’t have the selfishness required to simply take care of myself and let others take care of themselves. I’m like a mother hen, wanting to place everyone under my wing, but my body has had enough and I’m dying because of it, and I’m fucking up my career and my life and my real projects and my own trust and self-esteem, trying to get this other project off the ground. Why does the mere thought of cutting loose from it make me guilty?

Again, there is nothing there for me. But it feels like I made a commitment to the people I started working on this project with, and like I should stick by it. But it’s killing me it’s really killing me and the worse thing is that it’s doomed to fail. What am I doing? Why can’t I just cut off from it? Why do I keep heading back to it? I feel tied down emotionally and physically, to the point of pain. It literally hurts my heart to write this because I’m so attached and co-dependant with this ridiculously abusive project. Am I a masochist? Self-righteous? Proud? Unable to accept my failure? Can my leaving that project mid-way even be considered failure?

I just want to get the FUCK out. I hate it. I don’t want it. Why can’t I leave it. I want to never be attached to anything again. It’s insane, it’s abusive and it should never be. I hate it that I’ll look bad if I leave. That people will hate me and dislike me, I hate it. And it’s unfair. Because the one who does the job is me. Nobody else helps, and even though I carry the responsibilities and nobody else is willing to shoulder it with me, all that happens is that when things can’t be done I get blamed as if I had to handle it all in the first place. People expect everything from me and I expect too much from myself and the only ones that deserve my delivering these expectations are actually the only team of people that I don’t even dedicate half as much time to.

This downward spiral of who-knows-what has led me down a sickening spiral of self-loathing. I’ve hated myself so much for failing, for not being able to bear it out, for wanting to quit because it’s drowning me, for leaving others who I don’t even care about behind. Letting go of crap I dislike… is hard. I can’t even begin to imagine how I’d be able to let go of things I love.

Well... this very morning I've begun the process, I've started deleting things, cleaning up things, no matter how many reminders I get that these things do exist, I may not need to ignore them, but at least they're slowly starting to dissipate. I hope I can keep this up.

I better. This is my lucky year. It's now or never.

I... I still can't hug people. The idea of being touched, or held... it... it terrifies me. I feel prickles of disgust in my skin... I jump.

It's terrible.

I've never been raped... my parents love me... I've never been abused physically.

I don't know why I'm like that.

I'm so afraid of people touching me. I reject it instantly.

I guess I can't blame people for not getting close to me. I have a barrier up that says clearly "don't touch me".

But what I mean is "please don't touch me... not yet. I'm still afraid."

But, afraid of what?

Last year, I remember jumping into the pool at 4 AM. I don't know exactly why I did it. I'm not sure it was to experience the jump itself; it was shock therapy. At that moment in time, I needed a burst of cold water to keep me from going insane.

I don't even think the events in my life at the time were that complicated or dramatic to merit such a reaction. My best friend had gotten a boyfriend, ... he'd cheated on her... twice... with me. I didn't feel bad about it, because my best friend had never told me they were dating. I found out, afterwards, when somebody else let it "slip" that they were officially dating. My best friend chose not to tell me. She hid it from me. In a way, I thought it was karma, that he'd cheated on her with me, because I didn't know anything at the time.

I still felt though, like I'd been the one used by both at the same time in a way. You see my best friend, she loves me... I don't mean she loves me in the platonic sense; she loves me like Michael loves Brian in Queer As Folk. She loves me like the lover of a past life would, she's obsessed with me. She's made out with me, and technically during her relationship with her boyfriend, she spent a good amount of time "cheating" on him with me. Then he cheated on her with me too. In the end though, he still groveled for her. She still chose to act as if she'd never once made out with me while she was with him. No, she was for the most part a saint in his face.

So I jumped into the pool, while all my friends were partying, the happy couple included... because I felt like it. Because I was alone. Because I felt used and humilliated. Because I was the object of everyone and no one's desire.

This year, I'm just alone. Nobody, not the friends, not the couple (who eventually broke up, though now he's realized he's in love with her so he calls her every day)... just me, here crying, bitter, because I'm lonely. Because I'm still wondering how I got to be such an isolated little girl; how I became the "thing" you want, but won't dare pursue, or just a pretty thing to be admired... I'm not the girl... I'm just the dream. I'm good at a distance. I've always been the in between.

It's hard to explain.

Guess today I'm just not happy. It happens.

Something pulled me out of my body. Drew me all the way up several times, and at one point I started calling out a man’s name. I never quite got to see him or feel him near, instead, whatever was pulling me just pulled me up even more violently towards the sky and again, the sound of a strange buzzing but this one not as strong as the one before. I've only heard a buzz when I'm out of my body twice so far.

However, when I came back into my bed, there was another smaller bed next to mine with a little blonde girl that I recognized from former dreams. (The former dream was about a house where this girl lived with her brothers and would terrorize all their caretakers into dying. They’d start by placing a hanging dead man on the road to their home, because the road had no lights, you’d spot the man only when you were near enough to light him with the frontal lights of the car; this would usually make their victim swerve and hit something. If that didn’t work, the little girl herself would stand on the road. She had long blonde hair and an extremely pale complexion. In that dream, I’d come to work as their nanny, and after many frights, finally got them to calm down and behave like normal human beings. That didn’t stop their house from being frightening, since it was still far into the woods and there was never any light at night) The reason this is relevant to this particular experience, is that I had barely a few seconds to recognize this little girl from said former dream (even though technically I don’t even remember having that dream) and then she woke up as I was struggling to get back into my body and gave me some interesting insight. “You know the lady?”

I think she was referring to whatever was pulling me, because I tried seeing it or talking to it several times but failed. “Can you see her?” I was alarmed, because this girl could see who was pulling me and now I knew it was supposed to be a woman.

“Do you know how she feels about you?”

And I wasn’t sure what that meant. For some reason I wasn’t ready to understand so she said, “It’s ok, we’ll talk about this some other time” and that’s when I finally took hold of my body and woke up in my room, without any apparitions. I blinked my eyes open, and my heart was racing beyond belief.

It was almost five in the morning and I was freaked. I also thought immediately about the cards a friend of mine had brought up that night while she was drunk. About a feminine entity and again the color “green”.  Who’s this entity, apparently female? I don’t even know if it’s the same entity that tried to contact me before. (When I first heard the buzzing noise)  And what did the girl mean with “do you know how she feels about you?”

Very confusing.

Finally I went to sleep and had an entirely different dream. Or rather, the first  dream, since the prior one felt more like a vision than a dream. In this new dream I lived in a manor where I think I was just a temporary guest. At the manor there was this man whom I was seeing, and when he left every day to work I’d go with the mistress of the house into the bushes nearby to find a small litter of puppies that we were secretly caring for. I bonded with one of them right away and offered to take care of it, but it was complicated. The man I was seeing had followed us into the brush, half-expecting I think, to find me in some lurid affair and instead was relieved when he saw that the big “secret” were the puppies. That didn’t change the fact that we couldn’t keep the puppies.

The dream ended when we were trying to place them somewhere, or find them a home or still discussing what we’d do with them.

It switched to another universe, a universe I thought I was also familiar with, in fact, practically every element in this dream was familiar save for the new addition of Gale Harold to the cast. (Which I do blame on the fact that I've been watching Queer As Folk non-stop this past month) It was like a movie, and an adaptation from a cartoon all at once.

The main character was a blonde socialite woman, who’d been living in this neighborhood for a while, always pairing people up. She’d had a few romances but nothing lasting and all the men were gracious to her. The place was a sort of magical world, because men and women could transform into things or call upon beasts or elements and such. A new man arrived in town, (Gale) and he would transform into a cat woman every time he had was hit. Meaning, when the woman slapped him for being a rude bastard, he’d turn into a cat woman, and not just that, but as a cat woman, he’d stick around to defend or accompany the blonde lady. Clearly it was some sort of tension thing, romance novel style, where they would attend events (like an old friend of them singing Frank Sinatra karaoke <- a scene I’ve seen before, and while the man sang very well, Gale’s character walked right in front of him to leave) this pissed of the blonde lady who clearly followed Gale’s every single move even though all they seemed to do was argue. Then I found them making out near the stairway. Then making out both of them turned into cat people.

When she spoke to a friend of hers who wanted to know what was up and why she kept chasing him she said “something is happening between us almost, last night we kissed”.

Then came a strange incident. They were in the forest, because she wanted to get pregnant and so she drew up a tent, and the first man that lit a candle for her would be the father of her children. However, a group of mountain men came and surrounded the area right after Gale’s character had left in anger. They were clearly about to “eat” her when another man showed up, this one, showcasing the same abilities as a jedi, using mind control to make them fall on the ground or turn and dance. He was after “the black bird” who was none other than a scientist in the top building near the woman’s estate, brewing some deadly concoction to kill them all. The man had escaped from jail, I also think the man was her brother or some family.